One day after 10-days De-armouring Training, Angsbacka, Sweden, by - Dido van Holthe
Dancing body energy
Flying back home today turned out to be a completely new experience. I never sensed all the motions in an aircraft the way I did today. I never felt being this 'disconnected' from earth like today, and 'grounded' again when we touched the runway. Schiphol airport turned out to be overcrowded, just like the train station. I had to take several very deep breathes to 'survive' all intense sensations that came along with it... So now, I find myself, sitting on the couch, Gary Malkin's beautiful music playing. And still, I am vibrating from head to toe. As if my entire body is dancing with the music, every vein, cell, bone and cell seems to be engaged, moving smoothly with the melody.
I feel so grateful and humble.
For all my personal experiences, including the releases of deep emotional pains that were hidden somewhere inside of me, in places I never thought these pains could ever had been hidden, and without the urge of the mind to exactly know what it is all about.
For the opening up and inner space after the releases that made me feel all of my love, my power, my beauty, my joy, my life.
For the subtle, almost divine sensations I felt (and still feel) in my body. My stronger vision after a deep breath mediation (literally, but also in seeing things differently).
For the love I felt for every one in the group, the 'holding space' for one another. The trust and openess, love and care, joy and fun, sharing and valuable feedback.
For the opportunity to work with both men and women, the beautiful, accurate and fun exercises, and the opportunity to give three complete de-armouring sessions.
For my steep learning curve in being a therapist, while working with other participants, making mistakes, receiving feedback, noticing all that emerged from that within myself, and growing from there.
For the loving and caring and 'on the spot' support of the assistants.
And for the great teachings of De'an Matuka, Sanna Sanita and Susanne Roursgaard that each brought their own style, approach and knowledge into this training, including their pointing on boundaries, ethics, integrity and the responsibility being a therapist in this deep bodywork.
My integration process has only just begun.
I am in the right place.
Day-by-day account of Basic De-armouring Training by: Maria Fazzingo
Last travel and training of 2017. I will be adding the finishing touches on my continuing education and practice with De-armouring bodywork at Angsbacka in Sweden with leading teachers in the field. I have yet to hear much about this in the states. Europe continues to be my go to place for.. well.. a lot of things…
De-armouring Day 1:
On a break many of us realised the gravity of the situation... we signed
up for 10 days of this? It’s the realisation that it’s hard work, that it takes
lots of practice, that you don’t know what’s lurking underneath and what
may surface. Or maybe you do know, but want to bypass or hide however
sooner or later you will be seen. You can not do this work with integrity
without facing yourself fully first. Then, there is the excitement of healing
parts of yourself and up levelling your work being in service to clients.
Will the challenge, pain, tears, screams, sobs, teeth clenching all be
worth it? For making more space in your body for more of you, for
liberation, ease and pleasure, you bet!
De-armouring Day 2:
Weird body movements, rotten egg under your toe, seeing with your hands and the promise of a penis owner teaching us belly dancing on the horizon.
Today we learned TRE (trauma release exercises) from Susanne Roursgaard. I first learned psoas trauma release exercises from Matthias Schwenteck but he never told me about the rotten egg. If you want to convey to your students to barely keep any pressure between your foot and the floor, just imagine having a rotten egg that you don’t want to
break under your toe. Visuals work great for me to
learn. I love the different teaching styles, personalities,
and differing opinions each of the three teachers have
to offer. I love that although I’ve learned and
practiced the wheel of consent (taught today by
Sanna Sanita) on six different occasions, I still get a
new realisation about myself each time doing the
exercises. I still have a hard time asking for what I
really want without filtering as well as feeling wrong
if another doesn’t accept my offer. Work to do! Surely
I could do with one dose more self reflection, one
part more consciousness and a sprinkle of weird body movements (TRE) to release.
Seeing with your hands is what you see with your eyeballs happening in the picture above. Here students are feeling, sensing, scanning and perceiving (while I’m relaxing like a princess).
We are learning at the speed of light in this intensive much more and much deeper than I can express here. Some are already starting to process within themselves but we have sauna tonight and belly dancing taught by a man for tomorrow morning’s movement practice to keep us going!
De-armouring Day 3:
The magic is in the stillness, the baby and the yelling before the snow storm.
I’ve done TRE many times with nothing to write home about minor tremor effects. Still though with the results of feeling relaxed in my body and with calmness of mind. Today was different to say the least. There wasn’t any more tremor than any other time. The size and intensity of the tremor doesn’t matter. What was different was taking the time afterwards to lay in stillness for an extended period of time. The magic is in the stillness! Usually there’s been a time limit at the places I’ve experienced it or if I’ve done it myself I don’t lay relaxed long enough afterwards because, you know..life.. Well today staying in the stillness after TRE caused a little crack to open. Then a little salty tear escaped out of that crack. Then another and then some more developing into a good leaky cry. Well enough. Thank you, that’s all for today (or so I thought).
Regained composure, break time, and then I find myself extremely uncomfortable and emotional in the group sharing circle that followed. I have felt like this in several sharing circles before, this bubbling up of unpleasant emotion and the extreme pressure and discomfort of trying to keep it under wraps. My logical brain had a desire to share as it may shed some light but at the same time I was not wanting to be seen in this state and feared facing what was lurking under the surface. I had enough, how many more times will I be in a pattern of missed opportunities for support, love and healing? In my frustration, fear and inner anguish, all I could muster up and what came out was “I NEED HELP!” Talk about a call to action. Given the invitation I somehow ended up moving a lot of energy through of suppressed anger with screams, crying, slobber, pillow hitting, collapsing, more anger, more screaming and feeling the terror of being a neglected baby. I am love was the healing declaration that left me feeling a clear channel of light through my body’s centre and the ability to breathe deep again.
De'an says armour is lack of love. All this stormy energy inside one moment and the next moment I discovered a snow storm outside and the beautiful silence it brings. The magic is in the stillness. ❤️
Disclaimer: It’s very difficult to express in a short(ish) message what can only be understood by personal experience. Reading about my experience may bring the course curriculum out of context as it is my personal journey and divine alignment that created a unique moment.
De-armouring Day 4:
Which way to go?
The days are long and blurred chuck full of so much good information, history, philosophy, technique, styles, healing, cleansing and growing friendships. Speaking with a fellow Tantra Massage Practitioner we have the question of where do we go now in our practice after having learned this on top of another modality that is very different but has similar aspects of working with energy and can have similar results of clearing blockages. The biggest difference being that de-armouring is not a massage and does not use sexual energy. Let’s see where integration and practice brings us.
Every day is jam packed starting in the morning at 7:00am with morning movement practice and ending evening session at 9:30/10pm. Today’s lesson started with breath-work which is another way to self de-armour. Then we learned about feeling energy, how to open the shushumna (central energy channel), about body posture alignment so as not to waste energy or injure yourself, practice and a most beautiful and powerful "I AM PRESENCE" meditation.
De-armouring Day 5:
Seems I’m going backwards and hotdog in the sauna.
A few days ago I went back in time to when I was a baby. There
was some work to be done releasing anger and trauma. Today I
went even further back “remembering” being in the womb and
not liking my umbilical chord, the being it was attached to and
the alcohol and nicotine that came through it. When working with
clients in the past there seems to be a forward chronological
order of memories that come up. It seems I’m going backwards.
(No right or wrong)
Another experience I had today was discovering I have a very
high tolerance for pain. Once we could get into my pain body
(this is for the purpose of releasing energetic blockages) I would
feel the pain only briefly and then the pain would turn into a sort
of pleasure. Yet, if you challenge me to step out of the sauna and
roll around in the snow (a common Scandinavian practice) I can’t
bare (excuse the pun) it. BTW unrelated, there was a dog in the
sauna, of the hotdog variety and that was already both odd and adorable as was the dread-lock in its ear hair to match it’s Swedish owner’s dreadlocks who claimed the dog must be from India. Too much heat in the sauna obviously.
Today among many things we had a lecture on the theory of de-armouring, how it works, how trauma is caused and stored in the body and how the brain is involved. Fascinating. Tomorrow will be kundalini Yoga, tango lessons, breath-work and surprise all before lunch!
De-armouring Day 6:
Grown men crying and the heart whisperer.
The power of the breath is evidenced by the room full of men crying all around me as I lay there myself, eyes closed but in a state of observation from an unfamiliar perspective as I’m noticing no thoughts and no body, yet feeling at home. Hearing men crying opens my heart and supports healing the collective. It’s fucking beautiful! Men being vulnerable, is men being MEN. Thank you, we love you with all of your feels, raw emotions hearts 💕 🙏
Today we learned ethics, responsibilities, boundaries, de-armouring theory and practice of men’s private bits (AKA cock and anus).
We had the evening off for ecstatic dance or private sessions. I opted for a different dance by way of a tantra massage/de-armouring session which can look many different ways depending on the practitioner, my energy and your imagination. What it looked like in reality went down like this: The practitioner found a painful spot on my sternum and then sandwiched my heart with his hands for what seemed like an eternity as my heart physically and energetically hurt and hurt and hurt until it didn’t anymore.
De-armouring training Day 7:
Another baby and a pussy workout.
Today a baby was born in the group! It’s not exactly an
occasion for pink or blue cigars to be passed out by a
proud Dad. This was re-birthing which is fascinating and
was touched upon in theory but then actually ended up
being experienced by one of the participants in the
training when we were practicing vaginal de-armouring.
Re-birthing is really powerful and important work for a
body that was preparing physically, energetically and
hormonally for nine months but was then actually cheated
out of the birthing process by c-section.
My vagina and related parts went through some assisted
gymnastics today. Vaginal de-armouring is the best way
to get to know yourself (if you have one that is). In a session
you will find bits you didn’t know you had, bits that seem altogether missing, bits that are painful, pleasurable or that make you cry or go mad. It may not sound appealing but it’s beautiful and important work and your pussy will thank you for it. Of course this isn’t a very deep share or lesson on the matter but hopefully it piques curiosity and further investigation as it will change your life for the better.
The group is experiencing the dwindle down of days anxiety with only 3 precious days left. I’m jumping into bed now! Tomorrow morning I lead the morning movement practice with intuitive body movement and dance through the chakra system ending in a delicious meditation. Yum! 😍
De-Armouring Training Day 8:
Today started by my offering of intuitive body movement and dance through the Chakra system ending in a third eye and crown chakra meditation. After breakfast some floated away on the breath while others sailed away on their tears. We learned de-armouring of the neck, scalp, face, ears and throat.
Throat de-armouring stimulates the Vagus nerve, gets energy to rise and resets the parasympathetic nervous system. It also makes you gag like a boss. I started crying before we even started. I have my trauma stories and I have gag reflex just from brushing towards the back of my tongue. Surprisingly due to the excellence of how my practitioner partner held space and communicated well, I agreed to relax, breathe and... gag! It actually isn’t at all as scary as it may first seem and if you don’t end up with an energetic throat orgasm or full body energetic swoosh of expansion, in the least you’ll feel deep relaxation in your body and throat afterwards.
It’s really cold here and the sun is about setting by 2:30 PM. Tomorrow morning my day starts with giving a private anal dearmouring session. Never a dull moment.
De-armouring Training Day 9:
Variety Freak Show and never judge a book by its cover.
Today was full of practice. I did a private morning anal
de-armouring session before breakfast followed by Psoas Trauma
Release and after lunch two “see where it goes” de-armouring
sessions in a row on one of the assistants because my partner was
already in a process so we could not do our exchange. After lunch
we had another exchange with a surprise partner to mix things up.
I got seemingly the most delicate creature in the group but she
packed the strongest punch. She did some vaginal de-armouring
on me and I erupted in a scream that scared the wits out of myself
followed by uncontrollable loud crying and sobs. Time pretty
much stands still in these instances but I think it was quickly over
with and strangely enough it’s followed by a feeling of satisfaction,
spaciousness and relaxation in my vagina for sure but also in my
In the evening the three teachers gave us a transmission of them
doing an actual full de-armouring session theater style on three
people simultaneously to demonstrate their very different styles.
One did it with a blindfold on to show the skill of seeing and sensing energy with your hands and whole being rather than using your eyes. Another worked on someone that looked like they were going through an exorcism (simply the body releasing trauma and with that, the body contorts as cells, nerves, and muscles work the old stuck energy and emotions out). The third teacher was using sexual energy (the most powerful and creative energy we have access to in our bodies) and worked her magic from “end to end”. Only participants in attendance truly understand the last reference.
This work is complex and sacred. It takes intuition, heart, sensitivity, strength, humbleness, presence and spirit. It’s hard to understand what all this is really about and why from my brief descriptions as it gets out of context. It has to be investigated and experienced on your own person. Then comes the understanding in a very tangible way how brilliant and important this work is, how intelligent the body is and how amazing life and spirit can be felt and lived in health, homeostasis, balance, harmony and love ❤️
De-armouring training Day 10:
(a few days ago)
The Final Cracks?
Trauma, Drama, Sauna
I opted to not write a post on the last day of the training and instead wait a few days to let the dust settle. I stayed an extra night at Angsbacka to be in stillness, to reflect and feel myself instead of my normal pattern to rush off venturing onto the next distraction of responsibility or adventure. For me, this is self love. ❤️
We had our third full exchange of a de-armouring session to practice and integrate all that we learned. This time in a same sex exchange for genital
de-armouring. This may bring up awkwardness, shame, fear or judgement for some. There were actually two vulnerable men in the group who had rape in their history. They had the most profound healing of all, being held in divine service, presence and love by another man. Hard to even put into words the transformation.
We ended the afternoon in a circle of sharing our personal thoughts and experiences.
I had come to learn the science behind what I was already doing to some degree intuitively. I wanted to learn new language around it, gain confidence and technique, put new tools in my tool box and practice. The take-aways I got were much more! I received de-armouring and went head first into my own process. I accessed hidden parts of myself, felt more deeply, stayed with emotions longer to understand myself better, dared more, expressed louder, felt deeply and showed up for myself more than ever before.
As a practitioner, you can only bring someone else into process and hold as deep space for them as you can go yourself. My container has been greatly expanded.
Susanne is so full of wisdom, experience, patience, devotion, quiet strength and humbleness. Sanna is a skilful, lively, creative, playful being with a huge heart. She is also a fierce passionate tigress! De’an brings lots of firm but also warm loving father energy. He is a serious wall of presence and strength of which no bullshit can get past. Behind that serious wall is a surprising sneaky humour as well as integrity and tender vulnerability. Deep deep respect for these teachers and also the amazing assistants.
I highly recommend this training for anyone that is a body worker, tantric practitioner or wanting to release, melt, reconfigure and transform.